Baby D Makes Three

born December 27, 2012

fear

on July 12, 2012

I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have been asked, “what is your greatest fear?” usually this question is part of an icebreaker of some sort. I have rarely been honest with answering this question. my greatest fear is a hugely intimate detail. I don’t feel there are many people who need to know that much about me during an icebreaker, so I answer with a generic, “spiders, snakes, heights” type of answer. but these are not my greatest fear.

my greatest fear has been with me most of my adolescence and into adulthood. I feared being infertile. the thought of not being able to conceive a child would sometimes cripple me with anxiety. I hoped and prayed, and pleaded this would never come true for me, that I would not have to know that pain. I suffered silently when friends had trouble conceiving, my heart breaking for them, and myself, because it could easily be me next.

when the two lines came up on that pregnancy test I thanked God for being a God of mercy, and love, and giving. I cried tears of joy. I have cherished every nauseating minute of this pregnancy. but it took me 15 weeks to realize my greatest fear was no longer a fear at all, the fear had been removed.

in its place is now sheer terror for my child. I fear that something will happen to him or her. I fear that I could lose him or her. I fear that I won’t be the kind of mother I want to be. I fear that I will make too many mistakes. I fear.

and just like that, a woman’s fear was replaced with a mother’s fear.

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2 responses to “fear

  1. Jennifer Stone says:

    I absolutely know what your talking about. Hearing stories of how much trouble Gram had and my mom also had some difficulties, I was terrified I would never be able to conceive. After a year and a half of trying I was starting to believe it. Now all I can think is, please let my baby be healthy, let everything be alright. Best moment for me so far was calling my doctors office to reschedule the appointment that was supposed to figure out if and why I was infertile to being my first pregnancy appointment. I am going to have stop reading your blog, today at least, because it has made me cry three times already. Of course it takes almost nothing to do that at the moment. Love and hugs!

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