Baby D Makes Three

born December 27, 2012

confliction

on June 6, 2013

dear Cora,

there are so many things on my heart right now. I wasn’t prepared for this confliction I seem to feel about everything now that I am back at work. being a working mother is wonder-awful. I am so in love with you and wouldn’t trade being your momma for anything. but it seems there is a flip side to almost every wonderful aspect of working motherhood; a negative side, lurking just beneath the surface.

here are a few examples of wonder-awful working motherhood:

I am overjoyed that you are happy at daycare. I am saddened to be away from you.

I am thrilled you are such a good eater and get so much to eat during the day. I am heartbroken that I do not seem to be able to pump enough to keep up with your appetite.

I cherish the moments late in the evening and early in the morning when I nurse you; it is our special time together. I am exhausted from going to bed later and getting up so early to be able to nurse you.

I love seeing your happy face every morning before I go to work. I hate to leave you.

being back at work is easier than I thought, and a lot more rewarding. I miss you all day long, and feel guilty you are being cared for by someone else..

evenings are sacred; you are only awake for a few hours after work and daycare, and I try to squeeze a whole days worth of love, snuggles, and kisses into those precious hours. there is not enough time to go around, and I find myself stressing over the chores that aren’t getting done.

my body was your home for 9 months, it protected, nurtured, and grew you; that is amazing to think about, and a huge blessing. my body looks like it grew and birthed a human; I am uncomfortable and self conscious of my new physique.

you are a happy, healthy, intelligent baby! I constantly worry about your growth and development.

my love for you expands every single day. you bring joy and wonderment to my life. you make me a better, more loving, more patient version of myself. And there is no awful flip side to that. so I’ll hold on to that as I start another day, and hope that today holds more wonderful than awful.

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