Baby D Makes Three

born December 27, 2012

oh yeah

oh yeah, I blog here.

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It feels like forever since I’ve blogged. I think it has been forever. It’s like Cora turned one and suddenly, there is no more energy or time to put the effort in. but that’s not what I intended. I still haven’t posted the month 12 post. Mostly because we wiped the computer and I lost my program to make the collages. I need to figure out a way to do that. The longer I’ve waited to write a post, the more daunting the task has become. So here I go. radio silence broken.

It has been a rough month for our family.  I don’t think I’ve handled it well. I’m moody and stressed. But while the month was rough, it was also beautiful and blessed. I got another promotion at work. I get to return to the team and manager I really enjoyed working with, and do the work I really enjoyed doing. For more money. I start on the 31st. We’ve spent some quality time with friends. We’ve spent quality time as a family.

Cora’s sweetness abounds. Her new favorite thing is for us to kiss phoebe. She holds her out towards our face and isn’t satisfied until we say “kiss phoebe!” and audibly plant kisses on her little face. Then she holds phoebe to her own face and gets kisses from phoebe. She also loves to share. Anything she is eating, she will extend to you for you to taste. And a couple of times this month she has come this close to getting her pacifier in my or J’s mouth. 😛 she gives hugs freely now but is still very reserved about kisses and almost never gives a kiss when asked (and the rare exceptions are for daddy – she’s only given me one kiss when I’ve asked for them).

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on your birthday

dear Cora,

my sweet baby girl. on the day you were born I had hopes and dreams for your first year. I had plans and aspirations. one year ago you were born and changed my world forever. you bring so much joy, excitement, and love to our lives. you are the best thing I’ve ever done and you have the best parts of me in you. becoming a mommy was something I always wanted. becoming your mommy was more than I ever dreamed it could be. I spend whole hours marveling at my love for you. and not a day goes by I don’t thank God for letting me be your mommy. for sending you to me. for trusting me to raise you and love you.

you are my spirited, determined, strong-willed, curious girl. you can be fearless which terrifies me. you can be sweet and loving, offering hugs and snuggles freely. you can also be a terror, screaming at the top of your lungs when you don’t get your way or we have to take something away from you. I love every minute of it. honestly. even at 2 am when we are awake because of teething. I love it. I love you. I didn’t realize how much love I was capable of until you came and destroyed its boundaries.

this year we have both grown so much. when I brought you home from the hospital we were both brand new – you a newborn baby and myself a new mom. we were both exhausted and just getting by on snuggles, love, and cat naps. now you are walking, you have one tooth, and you are so independent. we sleep most of every night. we still survive on snuggles and love but we also have fun. we play and laugh and tickle and eat. I feel more confident in my ability as your mom. I don’t second guess every decision I make like I once did.

we still have so much growing to do. I still get frustrated and short-tempered. and you will learn to run in days I’m sure, among other things. the best part is we will continue to grow and learn together.

on the day you were born I had hopes and dreams for your fist year. your first year was so much better than I hoped or dreamed. on your birthday I have hopes and dreams for this next year. but more than anything I hope we continue to survive on snuggles and love, I hope we grow together and play together.

this past year has been my favorite year. I love being your mommy. I love you. I love our family and I love our life.

Love,
Mommy

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Merry Christmas

We woke at 4:30 this morning and while I was hoping for a few more years before the excitement of Christmas woke us quite that early, I didn’t mind. Much. Cora was able to fall back asleep around 5:30 and so was J but I’m wide awake. Counting all my blessings. It’s quiet and dark and the sound of Cora’s white noise machine is soothing. There are 3 stockings hung by the chimney with care. And Santa has been here while we slept. I have always loved Christmas but there is something extra magical about this first Christmas as a mom. Something surreal and wonderful. I will be spending the day wrapped in peace, love, and joy. Christ was born in Bethlehem and I will celebrate Him with my tiny babe. I wish the same for you and your family. Merry Christmas to all. With love from the Ds.
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my favorite time of day

it’s early and still dark outside but I am dressed and ready for work. I sneak into your room with a warm bottle. as much as I try not to wake you, you do, and you sit up and lift your arms to me. I pick up your warm, sleepy body and cuddle you. we sit in the rocking chair while I feed you your first bottle of the day. you look at me with sleepy eyes that are full of trust and the weight of your tiny body in my arms reminds me of why I do everything I do. it’s all for you. it’s my favorite time of day.

it’s the end of my workday and my heart races a little. it’s time to go pick you up from daycare. it’s my favorite time of day.

I arrive at your daycare and you see me walk through the door. you make a sound of delight and race over to me, crawling as fast as you can and sometimes tripping over yourself. I pick you up and you laugh and bounce and give me a hug. it’s my favorite time of day.

it’s evening and we are living life: feeding you dinner, playing with you, cooking and eating our own dinner, bath time. you have added so much to our life. you make it more fun, more hectic, more messy, and totally worth it. it’s my favorite time of day.

it’s bedtime and you are in your cozy footy pajamas. you are holding onto your lovey, and I am holding on to you. I rock you and sing our special lullaby. you look at me with those same sleepy, trusting eyes you did this morning. I linger, not wanting to lay you down in your crib, but knowing I have to. I kiss your little forehead and tuck you in. it’s my favorite time of day.

it’s the middle of the night and something has woken you from your sleep. you are cranky and crying. I am so tired I can barely see but I stumble into the nursery to pick you up and comfort you. we rock and I rub your back. you drift back to sleep and again I linger. not wanting to put you down, but knowing I need to go back to bed myself.  It’s my favorite time of day.

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no

my baby turned 11 months old today. I overslept and didn’t have time to give her bottle and cuddle her. she had to feed herself. and I was equal parts sad and proud. I have felt out of sorts all day because that cuddle time in the morning grounds me and prepares me for the day. without it, I’m left wandering. and yet, my sleepy babe held her own bottle and drank the whole thing without spilling a drop while I rushed about to get ready. a month ago I would have been late to work, with no other option but to feed her myself. sad and proud.

tomorrow is thanksgiving. I have been looking forward to letting her eat thanksgiving food all year. she still doesn’t have any teeth. but she will enjoy mashed potatoes and stuffing, and probably some other goodies.

on a rushed trip to carters last night a sales girl told Cora that she has the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen. Cora told her no with her wrinkled nose and head shake. the sales girl and I laughed. while feeding her dinner, Cora started crying and saying “maaamaaamaaamaaa.” so I said, “I’m the mama.” Cora told me no. with tears and a head shake. I almost cried myself.

no is a new favorite word. and my only response is no.

no

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peekaboo

yesterday evening I had one of those experiences as a mother that I just want to bottle up and keep forever. it may be one of my favorite memories of Cora to date. we were all snuggling on the couch with the fluffy blankets we have on it. Cora pulled the blanket up to be above her head and I heard her start to giggle “heeheehee” so Jason and I started saying “where’s Cora, where is she?” and she giggled harder, and kicked her little legs in excitement. Jason pulled the blanket down and we exclaimed, “There she is! Peekaboo!” and she absolutely rolled with laughter. we played peekaboo over and over. completely instigated by my fun-loving girl. every time she pulled that blanket up, her giggles would ring out in the room, and her legs would kick excitedly under the blanket. and my heart grew 15 sizes. I have had a hard couple of weeks. I started a new job two weeks ago, and it has been a harder transition than I anticipated. spending an evening playing peekaboo with my baby girl was exactly what I needed. and the fun we had last night has kept me going through this last work day of the week.

I tried to get the fun and games on video to share, but every time the camera came out, she stopped playing. so I put the camera away. and soaked up the fun we were having. and tried my hardest to commit that moment to my memory forever. November is always a month full of thanksgiving for me. I love to count my blessings every year. this year, my blessings have multiplied exponentially, and having fun with my daughter is just one of the many things I am thankful for.

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we remember

never forget

it has been 12 years since I sat in my high school spanish class and watched in horror as the twin towers fell, as the pentagon was hit, as brave Americans re-directed a flight into a field in Pennsylvania. 12 years and I still face this day with a heavy heart and teary eyes. this morning my heart was heavier than normal.

this morning I dressed my baby girl in an “american sweetheart” onsie and I realized that one day she will ask me why September 11th is a day of remembrance. I realized I will have to explain to my daughter about hate. how there are people in the world who hate us so much, they would sacrifice themselves to hurt us. how almost 3,000 people lost their lives in the attack. 3,000 who were living their life one moment, and were gone the next. I don’t want to have this conversation with her. I don’t want her to know anything about hate, or death, or destruction.

but I will also get to tell her how love rose up. how men and women from all over the country, all over the world really, stood together, pulled together, and did whatever they could to help. they donated blood, they donated money, they donated time. America and Americans were severely underestimated. because love rose up. while we were devastated, we were not destroyed. while we hurt, we were not defeated. while we were angry, we held on to each other.

so while I wish my daughter didn’t have to grow up in a post 9/11 world, I am grateful that she will grow up in a world where we take moments every year to memorialize the lives we lost. to be sad for what happened. to be thankful for those who stepped up to help us.

so today and everyday, we remember.
and we love.

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how did it get so late so soon?

How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon? ― Dr. Seuss

my baby is 6 months old today. where has that time gone? I have been back at work for 1 month. where has that time gone?

I spent my entire childhood hoping time would speed up, that I would grow up faster, that I would be an adult, that my life would begin. and it seemed to take FOREVER. time moved so slowly.

then I turned 18. and I blinked. now I’m 28. I have a husband, a home, and 6 months of pure joy in a tiny baby girl package. I’m afraid if I take a nap, she’ll be 28. with a husband. and possibly a baby of her own.

I feel like I’m standing still while time rushes by me and I have my hands outstretched, desperately trying to slow it down, to grab on to the good times, and hold them tight, before they are gone.

there isn’t enough time in the day to be all things. to be a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister,  a coworker, an employee, a housekeeper, a crafter, a blogger. I’m a poor juggler. I am working towards being ok with not getting everything done every day. and focusing on being a wife and mother first. if that means I go to bed, and get up the next day, and the living room is still a mess from the night before, that’s the way it is. I’m trying to soak up all of this beautiful time with a little girl who learns, grows, and develops every day. every night as I’m getting ready for bed, utterly exhausted, and craving sleep, I think, someday, I will want this time back. and that keeps me going.

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rolling rolling rolling

baby girl,

in the past two weeks you have just exploded into movement. you roll from your back to your tummy; from your tummy to your back; and you spin in circles. it is so fun to watch you learn to do these things (at least during the day :P). the past two weeks when we lay you in your crib, you will turn onto one side or the other and a lot of times will fall asleep like that, or you will just lie there for a little while before rolling back onto your back to go to sleep. I will look at you, lying on your side and think to myself that you are such a sweet little girl and where did my baby go? it was just yesterday that you were a tiny little newborn who couldn’t move around like this. I am so thankful that you are, for the most part, such a good sleeper. 

last night, you kept rolling on to your tummy but you don’t want to sleep on your tummy so you try to roll onto your back, but instead of rolling back the way you came, you want to keep rolling in the same direction, which ends up with you squished against your crib rails, or unable to roll back completely. then you get really upset and cry so loudly for me to come help you. we had a rough night last night because of it. it was sort of cute at 8. by 11, it was no longer cute, and by 4 am it was just awful :P. I sure hope you learn to roll back the other way or to sleep on your tummy soon.

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the tired mother’s creed

Repeat after me:

  1. I shall not judge my house, my kid’s summer activities or my crafting skills by Pinterest’s standards.
  2. I shall not measure what I’ve accomplished today by the loads of unfolded laundry but by the assurance of deep love I’ve tickled into my kids
  3. I shall say “yes” to blanket forts and see past the chaos to the memories we’re building.
  4. I shall surprise my kids with trips to get ice cream when they’re already in their pajamas.
  5. I shall not compare myself to other mothers, but find my identity in the God who trusted me with these kids in the first place.
  6. I shall remember that a messy house at peace is better than an immaculate house tied up in knots.
  7. I shall play music loudly and teach my kids the joy of wildly uncoordinated dance.
  8. I shall remind myself that perfect is simply a street sign at the intersection of impossible and frustration in Never Never land.
  9. I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real.
  10. I shall promise to love this body that bore these three (well one) children – out loud, especially in front of my daughter.
  11. I shall give my other mother friends the gift of guilt-free friendship.
  12. I shall do my best to admit to my people my “unfine” moments.
  13. I shall say “sorry” when sorry is necessary.
  14. I pray God I shall never be too proud, angry or stubborn to ask for my children’s forgiveness.
  15. I shall make space in my grown up world for goofball moments with my kids.
  16. I shall love their father and make sure they know I love him.
  17. I shall model kind words – to kids and grown-ups alike.
  18. I shall not be intimidated by the inside of my minivan – this season of chip bags, goldfish crackers and discarded socks too shall pass.
  19. I shall always make time to encourage new moms.
  20. I shall not resent that last call for kisses and cups of water but remember instead that when I blink they’ll all be in college.

~ with love from one tired mother to another.

this has been floating around the interwebs. I needed it. especially 1 and 6 (and 10 – but that is a WHOLE other post). I stress A LOT when I know people are going to be at my house. A LOT. my parents’ houses were always, and still are, perfect. nothing out-of-place, no dust, or dirt in sight. I never feel like I can get the mess cleaned up and put away, and vacuumed, and dusted, and polished, and swept, and mopped, and still spend time with my baby girl. my dad is visiting this week. sorry dad, you’re in for a mess 😛

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