Baby D Makes Three

born December 27, 2012

the end of breastfeeding

Dear Cora,

last week we stopped breastfeeding. Thursday, November 14th was the last day you nursed. I saw this day coming early on. I knew we weren’t going to make it a whole year when I went back to work and pumping was so hard. I knew, but I still hoped. and so, when you decided you were done, I grieved. I grieved the loss of that special bonding – breastfeeding was the one thing only I could provide you. I grieved your growth – no longer wanting to nurse means you are becoming more independent and growing into a child, no longer my dependent infant. I grieved the loss of that extra cuddle time – as tired as it made me, those late night and early morning snuggles were still cherished.

but then I celebrated. I celebrated that we made it 10 and a half months! Just one and a half months shy of my goal. that’s not bad. I celebrated that you are such a healthy, happy, and growing baby. I celebrated that when I get sick, I can take medicine now. I celebrated that I didn’t give up, that I let you decide when you were done. I celebrated that for the first time in 20 and a half months, your nutrition and well-being isn’t completely reliant on my body. I celebrated that your daddy can take over the late night feeding, so hopefully I will be less tired.

and you know what? the snuggle time with you while I feed you your bottle is still just as special, and since you aren’t frustrated with me for trying to coax you to nurse before getting your bottle, you are even more cuddly. after you finish your bottle, you sort of sit up a little, and put your arms around my core, and then snuggle your head onto my chest. it is one of my new favorite things.

I am so thankful breastfeeding was successful for us. It was one of the things I worried about most while being pregnant. I am also thankful you are such an easy going baby, and that formula was just fine for you too, when I couldn’t produce enough milk to support your growth.

I love you, darling one. continue to grow. continue to reach milestones that make me grieve the loss of your babyhood. because then we can continue to celebrate as well.

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confliction

dear Cora,

there are so many things on my heart right now. I wasn’t prepared for this confliction I seem to feel about everything now that I am back at work. being a working mother is wonder-awful. I am so in love with you and wouldn’t trade being your momma for anything. but it seems there is a flip side to almost every wonderful aspect of working motherhood; a negative side, lurking just beneath the surface.

here are a few examples of wonder-awful working motherhood:

I am overjoyed that you are happy at daycare. I am saddened to be away from you.

I am thrilled you are such a good eater and get so much to eat during the day. I am heartbroken that I do not seem to be able to pump enough to keep up with your appetite.

I cherish the moments late in the evening and early in the morning when I nurse you; it is our special time together. I am exhausted from going to bed later and getting up so early to be able to nurse you.

I love seeing your happy face every morning before I go to work. I hate to leave you.

being back at work is easier than I thought, and a lot more rewarding. I miss you all day long, and feel guilty you are being cared for by someone else..

evenings are sacred; you are only awake for a few hours after work and daycare, and I try to squeeze a whole days worth of love, snuggles, and kisses into those precious hours. there is not enough time to go around, and I find myself stressing over the chores that aren’t getting done.

my body was your home for 9 months, it protected, nurtured, and grew you; that is amazing to think about, and a huge blessing. my body looks like it grew and birthed a human; I am uncomfortable and self conscious of my new physique.

you are a happy, healthy, intelligent baby! I constantly worry about your growth and development.

my love for you expands every single day. you bring joy and wonderment to my life. you make me a better, more loving, more patient version of myself. And there is no awful flip side to that. so I’ll hold on to that as I start another day, and hope that today holds more wonderful than awful.

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Sleep Regression, I hate you

This has been a rough week for sleep in our house. Baby Girl has decided sleep is for suckers and isn’t sleeping as long during the night, waking up to eat more frequently, and eating for longer amounts of time. This all adds up to less sleep for me. This I am not happy about. Here is an example of what we’re dealing with, last night’s activities:
9:15-10:00 – Cora eats
10:00-10:15 – getting Cora ready for bed and getting her asleep.
10:15-10:30 – get myself ready for bed
10:30 – lights out for me
1:33-2:40 – Cora eats and still manages to be asleep most of the feeding
2:44 – I get back in bed
4:45-5:50 – Cora eats and sleeps
5:50 – Cora wakes up as I put her back in her crib. I give her the pacifier and leave her room, hoping she will go back to sleep. No such luck. Give up at 6:10 as her protests are getting louder and I don’t want her to wake up J.

Now if I was able to fall asleep right away every time I got back in bed, I would have gotten 5 hours of interrupted sleep. But I didn’t. I probably got like 4 and a half. Nap time can’t come soon enough today. And unlike Tuesday, today I will be participating in naps.

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Ah man

I don’t know if there is anything worse for an exhausted, nursing mom than a big spit up at 1:30 am after a 30 minute nursing session while burping baby and realizing we have to start all over again (not to mention we both need new PJs now).

Also, blogging about how great napping was going yesterday seemed to have jinxed me. Cora did not eat or sleep well yesterday at all. Hopefully it was just a one day setback.

We went to a Just Between Friends sale yesterday evening and really scored. Tons of jammies for 3-6 months (we only had four pairs), a couple bottles, a dress and jeans in 6-9 months, a couple hooded bath towels, and an extra boppy. With how many stairs we have its become cumbersome to try to lug it between floors, especially since I’m usually also carrying Cora, my phone, and a cup of water (I keep one kindle upstairs and one on the bottom level for this very reason as well – a great luxury!). I can’t remember if we got anything else (it is 2 am now :P) but I will snap pictures at some point.

Oh, and if the formatting has become weird, its because I’m using the WordPress app on my phone as I can do that one-handed. Modern mommyhood 😛

Time for this munchkin and mommy to go back to bed. Night all.

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