Baby D Makes Three

born December 27, 2012

fear

I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have been asked, “what is your greatest fear?” usually this question is part of an icebreaker of some sort. I have rarely been honest with answering this question. my greatest fear is a hugely intimate detail. I don’t feel there are many people who need to know that much about me during an icebreaker, so I answer with a generic, “spiders, snakes, heights” type of answer. but these are not my greatest fear.

my greatest fear has been with me most of my adolescence and into adulthood. I feared being infertile. the thought of not being able to conceive a child would sometimes cripple me with anxiety. I hoped and prayed, and pleaded this would never come true for me, that I would not have to know that pain. I suffered silently when friends had trouble conceiving, my heart breaking for them, and myself, because it could easily be me next.

when the two lines came up on that pregnancy test I thanked God for being a God of mercy, and love, and giving. I cried tears of joy. I have cherished every nauseating minute of this pregnancy. but it took me 15 weeks to realize my greatest fear was no longer a fear at all, the fear had been removed.

in its place is now sheer terror for my child. I fear that something will happen to him or her. I fear that I could lose him or her. I fear that I won’t be the kind of mother I want to be. I fear that I will make too many mistakes. I fear.

and just like that, a woman’s fear was replaced with a mother’s fear.

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2 Comments »

i want to TEST!

the two week wait is torture for a woman trying to conceive. TORTURE! basically, pregnancy tests can pick up the hCG hormone between 12-15 days post ovulation (on average). so you wait and you wait and you want to test the WHOLE time. because you just want to be pregnant already. and there are women out there who were able to find out 6 days after ovulation. I promised myself I wouldn’t become a psychotic pee on a stick-aholic. I wouldn’t succumb to that urge to just try and see. and here I am 11 days post ovulation and I’ve been at work for 2 hours, the whole time obsessing over if I could test tomorrow morning. yup, I’ve become that girl. the one who is not productive, and is basically insane, mumbling to myself in the hallway about tests, and timing, and basically freaking everybody out in my building (ok, so there is no mumbling, or freaking everybody out, but there is a lot of googling – because if it’s on the internet it must be true).

some of you may be thinking – what’s the big deal, just go pee on a stick, stop making yourself crazy. there are a couple of reasons hubs and I are pretty adamant about waiting to test until there is a very likely chance of the test being accurate. For one, if you test too early, it might turn up a big fat negative because the hCG isn’t strong enough to be detected. and who wants a constant let down every morning? second, there is a chance that you can get an early big fat positive (YAY) but then end up with a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage) and who wants that kind of a let down? and last, have you seen just how expensive those babies are? I mean, we are trying to prepare financially for a baby people; we can’t be spending that kind of dough just because I want to pee on a stick every 2 minutes hours.

so I will wait. semi-patiently. if any of you have been following along with the math, today is Friday, that means if Aunt Flow hasn’t visited by Monday, I will be at 14 days past ovulation. hubs and I have the day off. it sure would be a special day if we could celebrate the start of our new life.

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