the end of breastfeeding

Dear Cora,

last week we stopped breastfeeding. Thursday, November 14^th was the last day you nursed. I saw this day coming early on. I knew we weren’t going to make it a whole year when I went back to work and pumping was so hard. I knew, but I still hoped. and so, when you decided you were done, I grieved. I grieved the loss of that special bonding – breastfeeding was the one thing only I could provide you. I grieved your growth – no longer wanting to nurse means you are becoming more independent and growing into a child, no longer my dependent infant. I grieved the loss of that extra cuddle time – as tired as it made me, those late night and early morning snuggles were still cherished.

but then I celebrated. I celebrated that we made it 10 and a half months! Just one and a half months shy of my goal. that’s not bad. I celebrated that you are such a healthy, happy, and growing baby. I celebrated that when I get sick, I can take medicine now. I celebrated that I didn’t give up, that I let you decide when you were done. I celebrated that for the first time in 20 and a half months, your nutrition and well-being isn’t completely reliant on my body. I celebrated that your daddy can take over the late night feeding, so hopefully I will be less tired.

and you know what? the snuggle time with you while I feed you your bottle is still just as special, and since you aren’t frustrated with me for trying to coax you to nurse before getting your bottle, you are even more cuddly. after you finish your bottle, you sort of sit up a little, and put your arms around my core, and then snuggle your head onto my chest. it is one of my new favorite things.

I am so thankful breastfeeding was successful for us. It was one of the things I worried about most while being pregnant. I am also thankful you are such an easy going baby, and that formula was just fine for you too, when I couldn’t produce enough milk to support your growth.

I love you, darling one. continue to grow. continue to reach milestones that make me grieve the loss of your babyhood. because then we can continue to celebrate as well.

Sleepy snuggles

Since we started this new nap routine, Cora has been sleeping less and less in our arms. It has become the exception rather than the norm. She now prefers to be put down to fall asleep. So on the rare occasion that she does lay her head down and snuggle into me to go to sleep, I savor it. Even though I have things to do today, and I should put my sleeping babe in her crib for the remainder of this nap, I’m not going to. I’m going to hold her while she dreams and stare at her peaceful face. Because tomorrow she will be 3 months old. Because time is moving too fast. Because she grows everyday. Because one day she won’t want to be held.  Because the dishes and the laundry and the errands can wait. Because I can.